Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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