One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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