Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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