if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize