You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
