His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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