if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
