This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
