20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
