the condom got lost in my hair
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize