If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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