I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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