Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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