question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
