Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
