It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
