Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
