And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
