Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
