Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
