is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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