Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
splinters make it hard to masturbate
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
