why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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