Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
