Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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