Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
