Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You are a genius and a whore.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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