my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
