she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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