Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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