I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
