things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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