how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
