so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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