I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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