I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
