It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i believe in u and ur pee
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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