the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize