Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
