No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
