Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
