YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
