I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
