the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think your dad took our porno
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
