I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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