i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
