I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
