Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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