bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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