its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
