Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
