I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
