woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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