How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
