I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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