I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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