Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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