Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
