In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
