I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
