You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
