i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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