she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
