Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
