I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my being single is dangerous.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
