Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
