I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
