Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
