I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
