Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize