life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Enjoy the penises
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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