So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
