what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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