im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
